Project H and the Goblet of Fire
by Project H
Summary: A parody of the fourth Harry Potter movie


**Project H and the Goblet of Fire**

By Panicattack

*The Burrow*

Ron: Hang on Harry, tell me that dream one more time

Harry: OK, well I'm in this big house, and Voldemort is there with Wormtail and another man. Voldemort was asking the man whether he remembered to tape last week's episode of Gilmore Girls for him. Then I had this dream where I went to school naked

Ron: Yeah I know what that's like. But in my dreams Hermione's naked so they're quite good

Hermione: What's that about me?

Ron: Oh….er, just saying how good it is your were able to come *walks away whistling*

***

*Some field*

Mr Weasley: C'mon kids, don't wanna be late

Amos Diggory: About time you guys got here

Cedric Diggory: *Falls out of tree on top of them* Oops, my bad

Mr Weasley: This strapping young man must be Cedric

Cedric: *Starts taking off clothes*

Amos: No Cedric, he said 'strapping'

Cedric: Oops, my bad *puts clothes back on*

Hermione and Ginny: Damn!

Amos: OK guys, here's the boot we're gonna use to get to the world cup

Harry: We're traveling by boot?

Fred: Yeah Harry, everyone travels by boot these days

George: Yeah, just look at the sky

Harry: *Looks into sky and sees people flying around on boots* Oh, OK then

*Everyone sits on boot*

Ron: Eh, Hermione there's not enough room on the boot so you're gonna have to sit on my lap

Harry: Don't worry Ron; Hermione can sit over here next to me

Ron: Oh………..good

*Boots flies people to the world cup*

Amos: OK kids, jump off the boot

Harry: What? We're still in midair

Amos: Jump off!

*Everyone jumps off the boot*

*Harry, Ginny and Hermione land on a soft pile of leaves*

Harry: Wow, what a soft landing!

*Ron lands on a jagged rock*

Ron: Oh for the love of….

Mr Weasley: Welcome kids, to the quidditch world cup

*The Weasleys, Hermione and Harry make their way through the crowd*

Mr Weasley: Alright kids, these two tents are ours

*Everyone enters first tent*

Harry: Whoa, this place is huge. It's even got a tennis court and pool

Ron: Not to mention a butler and maids

Mr Weasley: Hold on you two, you get the second tent all to yourselves

Harry and Ron: Sweet! *high-five*

Mr Weasley: Alright, in you go guys

*Harry and Ron enter tent*

Ron: Hey wait a minute; this is just a normal tent

Mr Weasley: Have fun guys, me and the others are gonna get in a couple of games of tennis before the quidditch match.

***

*The Stadium*

Mr Weasley: C'mon everyone, we're late for the Quidditch match

Lucius Malfoy: Later than you think, the match has ended

Mr Weasley: But it wasn't supposed to start until 7

Lucius Malfoy: Yeah but it only went for 30 seconds. See you later losers, mudbloods

Ron: Aww, we missed VIKTOR KRUM

Hermione: Why are you shouting his name?

Ron: No reason, I'm just making sure you remember the name VIKTOR KRUM

Hermione: …

***

*Back in the tents*

Harry: Gee, I'm glad we got up early for that

Mr Weasley: Oh well, time for bed guys

Ron: Er Hermione, sorry to tell you this but we're a bed short. You're gonna need to share my bed tonight

Ginny: Don't worry Ron, there are plenty of beds. Hermione can sleep in my room

Ron: Oh………good

Mr Weasley: Bad news kids, gotta leave now. We're all in danger!

*Everyone leaves tents*

Random man: The Death Eaters! The Death Eaters are coming!

Harry: Death Eaters? They eat death? They sound like good-guys to me. I think it's safe to assume they're on our side

Ron: Harry, they're not! We've gotta run *runs*

Harry: This whole escape-thingy is a little boring, I might just take a nap *lies on ground and falls asleep*

***

*The destroyed remains of the camping ground*

Barty Crouch Jr: Mormon-dre

*Dark mark appears in sky*

Harry: *Wakes up* What'd I miss? *Looks into sky* Ooh, not good

Ron: There you are, Harry

Hermione: Harry, we've been looking everywhere for you. We were so worried

Harry: Oh, yeah, I was …er, knocked out. Yeah, that's it. Knocked out.

*People jump up and shoot silly-string at them*

Mr Weasley: Stop, that's my son

Barty Crouch: Your son is a Death Eater?

Mr Weasley: No, stop firing!

Harry: Hey, why'd everyone attack us with string?

Hermione: You see that mark in the sky Harry, it's You-Know-Who's mark.

Harry: No, I mean, why use silly-string instead of magic?

Barty Crouch: More fun!

***

*At Hogwarts*

George: Wow, a flying horse! There's something you don't see everyday

Fred: What are you talking about, we saw one yesterday. And the day before that, Dad owns a flying horse business

George: Yeah…….but we don't see one everyday

Fred: Yes we do!

George: ……..wow, a ship coming from under the water. There's something you don't see everyday

Fred: Oh brother!

***

*The Great Hall*

Dumbledore: Great news everyone, Hogwarts has been chosen to host the Tri-Wizard tournament

Harry: If this tournament is so great, how come we never heard about it before this year?

Ron: Because it never directly affected your life. Geez, we've been doing this for three years and you still don't get it

Dumbledore: And now, please join me in welcoming the lovely ladies of Beauxbatons

*Beauxbatons girls enter and make their way down the hall. Finish their entrance with a curtsy and wasps come flying out of their hands*

Everyone: Argh wasps! *Run around screaming*

Dumbledore: Calm down everyone, its time to welcome our friends from the north, the proud sons of Durmstrang

*Durmstrang boys enter hall slamming their sticks on the ground and making sparks*

Harry: That was almost entirely pointless

Hermione: Shh, they're getting ready for a big finale

*Durmstrang boy blows fire from his wand, burning the first three rows*

Harry: Er, that was clever

Dumbledore: And now, here's Barty Crouch to tell us more about the tournament. But first, the ceiling is going to go crazy

*Ceiling goes crazy. Moody enters rooms and stops it*

Dumbledore: Thanks for coming old friend

Moody: Why couldn't I arrive in a limo like you and the rest of the teachers?

Dumbledore: Er…….we didn't arrive in a limo *walks off whistling*

Barty Crouch: We've decided that no one under 17 can enter, unless something really crazy happens and someone under 17 is able to enter themselves in the tournament and then miraculously is the one from their school that is chosen to compete in the extremely dangerous tasks and gain eternal glory. But since that is so unlikely to happen we won't worry about it

***

*Defence Against the Dark Arts class*

Moody: I'm Alastor Moody and I'll be your waitress for this evening

Hermione: Don't you mean '_teacher for this year'_?

Moody: What? You mean I put on my waitress uniform for nothing

Ron: Gee, he really is mad

Moody: Now I'm gonna show your kids the unforgivable curses. Who can tell me how many unforgivable curses there are?

Hermione: Three, sir

Moody: And they are so named?

Hermione: Because they are……unforgivable…..curses

Moody: Correct. WEASLEY!

Ron: Yes

Moody: Stand!

Ron: *Stands*

Moody: Now take a jump to the left, and then a step to the right. With your hands on your hips, you bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust, that really drives you insa-ay-ay-ay-ane. LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Ron: *Does the time warp*

Moody: Hehehe, now that's the Imperius curse. It makes people do whatever you want

Ron: That wasn't the Imperius curse, I just felt like dancing

Moody: SIT DOWN! Now, who can give me another curse? Longbottom?

Neville: There's the Crutiatus curse

Moody: What a good idea, saying the name of the curse that haunts your past. Who can give me the final curse? Hermione, you look on the verge of breaking into teasr, can you tell me the last curse?

Hermione: *Shakes head and continues to look on the verge of breaking into tears*

Moody: OK then *points wand at Hermione* AVADA KEDAVRA!

Hermione: *Collapses on ground*

Moody: The killing curse. Only one person has ever survived it, and he's sitting in the room.

Hermione: What about me, sir? I just survived it

Moody: *Hits Hermione with large book and knocks her out* That's right, only one person

***

*The Great Hall*

Dumbledore: Time to draw the champions out of this large smoking cup. I know, I can't believe people thought this was a good idea hundreds of years ago either. Just try to bear with me

*Cups spits out first name*

Dumbledore: The champion from Beauxbatons….ah who cares? They all look the same anyway. I'll just pick one myself. You there, on the end, you can be Beauxbatons champion!

*Cups spits out second name*

Dumbledore: The champion from Durmstrang is of course Viktor Krum, the only Durmstrang student we currently know of *throws away name of actual student chosen by the Goblet*

*Cups spits out third name*

Dumbledore: The Hogwarts champion is…..Cedric Diggory, oh man we're gonna lose

*Cups spits out fourth name*

Dumbledore: A FOURTH NAME?! This is the strangest thing to happen to this school since last year when Ron's rat turned into a man. Oh hang on, don't panic people it's Harry Potter's name, he's used to weird crap like this

***

*Weird room*

Dumbledore: Harry, did you put your name in the cup?

Harry: Nope

Dumbledore: Well he must be telling the truth, his nose hasn't grown longer

Moody: Albus, that's Pinocchio

Dumbledore: Is there a reason you're not wearing pants, Alastor?

Moody: Er……it's really hot today

Dumbledore: It's snowing!

Moody: Yeah well……don't change the subject!

***

*Photo shoot. And yes, I have no idea why Dumbledore approved something like this either*

Rita: OK champions, who wants to tell me a bit about themselves. Let's just randomly pick someone….how about the boy who overthrew the most powerful dark wizard of all time and definitely has the most interesting life story

*Rita and Harry go to have an interview*

Rita: So, Harry, boxers or briefs?

Harry: Er, how is that a tri-wizard tournament question?

Rita: It's not. Boxers or briefs?

Harry: Er, briefs I guess

Rita: Excellent. So Harry likes to mourn his dead parents dressed only in briefs

Harry: I like to do what?

***

*Traveling from Hagrid's hut*

Harry: OK Hagrid, what's this really important thing you need to show me

Hagrid: Dragons, you need to fight one in the first round of the tournament

Harry:…

Hagrid: Oh, and by the way, the Hungarian Horntail is the most dangerous

Harry: Why are you telling me that?

Hagrid: I dunno *wink wink*

Harry: You mean I'm getting the horntail?

Hagrid: I dunno *wink wink*

Harry: WHAT'S WITH THE DAMN WINKING?

Hagrid: Winking? Oh right, sorry. I got some grapefruit juice in my eye this morning

***

*Courtyard*

Harry: Cedric, the first task is dragons

Cedric: What about dragons?

Harry: That's the task; dragons

Cedric: Yeah, but what do we do with the dragons?

Harry: DRAGONS!

Cedric: I know, but do we fight them or what?

Harry:……dragons

***

*Moody's office*

Moody: OK, Harry, what are you going to do about your dragon?

Harry: Oh you know: dinner, movie, maybe my place afterwards…

Moody: And they say I'm mad

Harry: Why are you dressed as a fairy?

Moody: Shut up! Now, to beat the dragon you need to play to your strengths

Harry: Explain

Moody: What are you good at?

Harry: Flying

Moody: Then beat the dragon…….using flying

Harry: That makes sense

Moody: Now, what do you need to be able to fly?

Harry: Wings

Moody: No, what do YOU need to be able to fly?

Harry: Wings

Moody: No, you need a broom

Harry: But, I'm not allowed a broom

Moody: You're allowed a wand

Harry: Yes, but I'm not allowed a broom

Moody: No, but you're allowed a wand

Harry: Yes……but I'm not allowed a broom

Moody: Use your wand to get your broom

Harry: It's a wand, not a dog. It doesn't just fetch stuff and bring it to you

Moody: No, but do you know any spells that can summon a broom

Harry: No

Moody: Oh for the love of…..ask Hermione, she's smart

***

*In the common room*

Harry: *Reading newspaper* _Harry Potter, aged 12, suspect entry in the Tri-wizard tournament, claims to wear briefs because they give him the support he needs_….oh this is stupid, I'm gonna do the crossword *opens to crossword* _11 letters, clue: The Boy who Lived_……son of a b- SIRIUS!

Sirius: Harry, I was hoping you'd be here tonight

Harry: Wow, your head's in the fire. That is so cool!

Sirius: Now listen carefully Harry, whoever put your name in the Goblet is no friend of yours. Hogwarts is not safe, the devils are inside the walls. Igor Karkaroff; he was a death eater and no one stops being a death eater. Barty Crouch; heart of stone. Sent his own son to Azkaban. Are you listening, Harry?

Harry: *Reading newspaper* _8 letters, clue: aquatic mammal_

Sirius: I don't know why I bother…

***

*Tent*

Hermione: So Harry, it's the day of the task and you need to somehow defeat a ferocious, fire-breathing dragon by flying. Worried?

Harry: Nah, I'm like the saviour of the wizarding world. If it looks like I'm gonna die Dumbledore will step in for sure

Hermione: But you could get really badly injured and be put through an immense amount of pain

Harry: …

Hermione: *Hugs Harry*

Rita: Aww, what a cute couple

Hermione: Nothing happened!

Harry: We were making out, write down we were making out

Hermione: No we weren't!

Dumbledore: OK champions, time to start. Oh and Harry, you've got the Hungarian Horntail

Harry: Why do I get the Horntail? I'm the youngest and most inexperienced person here

Dumbledore: Yeah but you're used to weird crap, so I gave you the Horntail

***

Dumbledore: OK, everyone's made it through alive. The next…oh wait, I forgot Harry. I wondered why they were bringing out another dragon. OK, out you come Harry

Harry: Not to worry, I'm not gonna die *gets burnt and severed by dragon* Oh crap, should have listened to Hermione

Hermione: Your wand Harry, use your wand to get your broom

Harry: It's not like a dog it doesn't….oh wait *summons broom* OK dragon, I'll give you this broom if you let me have your egg

Dragon: Deal!

Moody: Idiot!

***

*Back in common room*

Harry: Want me to open the egg guys?

Crowd: *Sarcastically* Nah, we're crowded around you because you're cool

Harry: I hear ya *opens egg*

Egg: _My humps, my humps, my humps. My lovely lady lumps_

Crowd: Aargh!

Harry: That's one bad egg. Get it, guys? Bad egg

*Everyone rolls eyes*

***

*Some classroom*

McGonagall: On Christmas night, we're having a Yule ball dance. Today we're gonna be practicing dancing

Harry: Phew, luckily I'm too injured from the first task to practice dancing

Ron: But your arm seemed fine when you were reaching out to grab the egg, and seemed fine when we were in the common room after. And seemed fine when you won that arm-wrestling competition

Harry: Yeah but I slept on it funny and now I've got pins and needles

McGonagall: Mr Weasley, will you come up here and dance with me?

Ron: Er, sorry miss, I'm like Harry and can't dance due to injury

McGonagall: And what injury would that be?

Ron: Er………genital warts

All girls: Eww!

McGonagall: OK, you're excused

***

*Some sort of study room*

Ron: Gee, we'd better get dates soon Harry. I don't know why we're having so much trouble

Harry: Maybe you shouldn't have said you have genital warts in front of the whole class

Ron: Touché

*Snape comes by and hits Ron with a book*

Ron: Ouch, hey Hermione. You're a girl

Harry: I'm Harry

Ron: Oh sorry Harry, I'm seeing stars from when Snape hit me

*Snape comes by and hits Ron with a steel chair*

Ron: Aww man, Harry can you point me towards Hermione, I can't see a thing

*Harry directs Ron*

Ron: Hermione, you're a girl. Come with one of us?

Hermione: NO WAY! WHY DO YOU ASK ME NOW! SOMEONE ALREADY ASKED ME! LEAVE ME ALONE! *Runs off*

Ron: Woah, that was weird. Why do you think she got so angry?

*Snape comes by and hits Ron with a 2 x 4*

*Ron lays unconscious on desk*

***

*In the common room*

Ron: This is serious Harry, we need dates

Padma and Parvati: Hi Harry

Harry: I know, I'll ask them

Ron: But you've never even spoken to them

Harry: Yeah, but we've got loads in common

Ron: Like what?

Harry: We both know my name

***

*At the ball*

Harry: *Thinking* I wonder where Ron is, I haven't seen him for hours

*Ron shows up wearing a rabbit suit*

Harry: Why on earth are you wearing that?

Ron: Well, it's a lot nicer than what my mum sent me to wear. Besides, isn't this a fancy dress party?

Harry: No

Ron: But I saw Snape dressed as a vampire

Harry: He always looks like that

Ron: And Moody was dressed as a ballerina

Harry: Yeah, he's just a weirdo

Ron: And Dumbledore was dressed as a school headmaster

Harry:…it's not fancy dress

Ron: Oh, crap!

*Padma and Parvati show up*

Ron: See you later Harry *walks into hall with Padma*

Parvati: *Looking at stairs* She looks beautiful!

Harry: *Turns around and sees Mrs Norris walking down the stairs* Yeah, she does.

McGonagall: Time for the champions to dance

Harry: OK then….oh hi Hermione, you look nice

*Champions enter hall and dance*

Parvati: Ouch, I bet you wish you took those dance practice sessions now, Harry

Harry: Not really. After all, it's not my toes that are being crushed

Parvati: Ouch!

*Ball suddenly turns into a rock concert*

Harry: That was quick!

Ron: And strange!

Harry: And totally random!

Ron: And pretty lame if you think about it

Durmstrang boy to Parvati: May I take your arm?

Parvati: Arm, leg, I'm yours

Durmstrang boy: *Grabs knife and cuts off Parvati's arm*

Parvati: Oww, I thought you wanted to dance

Durmstrang boy: Nope, just hungry *walks off eating arm*

Padma: Are you gonna ask me to dance or not?

Ron: If I was planning on dancing, d'you think I would have worn a rabbit suit?

*Padma walks off*

*Hermione sits down*

Hermione: Hot, isn't it?

Harry: Yes you are…I mean, yes it is

Hermione: Me and Viktor are about to have drinks, would you care to join us?

Ron: No we would not!

Hermione: What's got your wand in a knot?

Ron: Oh *holds up wand* Cedric did it, but that's besides the point. You're fraternizing with the enemy

Hermione: What, just because I invited Voldemort?

Voldemort: Hi guys

Harry and Ron: Hi Tom

Ron: How could you invite someone who's trying to kill Harry?

Hermione: He's not trying to kill Harry

Ron: Look at him; he's strangling Harry as we speak

Hermione: That's beside the point

Ron: And anyway, that dress is far too revealing. Totally inappropriate

Hermione: YOU'RE WEARING A RABBIT SUIT!

Ron: That's beside the point

*Hermione storms off*

***

*Everyone's favourite bridge*

Hermione: Harry, you told me you'd worked out that egg weeks ago

Harry: I lied OK. And why have you gone from hot Hermione back to nerdy Hermione so quickly?

Hermione: It's the new model Hermione. It goes from hot to nerdy in 3.5 seconds

Harry: That's efficient

Cedric: Hey Harry

Harry: Oh, hi Cedric, made any progress with your egg?

Cedric: Yeah it was delicious *wipes mouth*

Harry: Er, your clue was in that egg, you need it for the next task

Cedric: Oops, my bad. Anyway, I've already worked out the clue, and since you helped me with the first task I've decided to help you with your egg

Harry: Really? Thanks heaps!

Cedric: No problem. Take a bath with your egg

Harry: …

***

*Prefect's bathroom*

Harry: I can't believe I'm doing this. But Cedric must be telling the truth, why would someone trying to defeat me in direct competition lie to me *gets into bath and opens egg*

Egg: _Whatchu gonna do with all that junk…_

Harry: Aargh! That song! The lyrics are horrendous!

Myrtle: Try putting the egg in the water

Harry: That's just plain silly. What person in their right mind would think of giving tri-wizard contestants eggs that only work underwater?

Myrtle: Moody

Harry: Oh, OK then *puts egg underwater*

Egg: _Come seek us where we don't sing crap_

_It's dark down here, don't bring a map_

_We've taken something that you like_

_It's not your broomstick or your bike_

_An hour long you'll have to look_

Oh no, too late, your goose is cooked

Harry: It sounds like we have to ride a bike somewhere dark and use a map to find a goose cooked by people who don't sing crap

Myrtle: Oh for the love of……ask Hermione, she's smart

***

*Library*

Hermione: It's simple Harry. The mermaids who live in the black lake are going to take something precious from you and you'll have one hour to look for it underwater

Harry: That's exactly what I said to Myrtle, but she said to ask you

Hermione: Don't worry Harry, I have a plan. I've thought of a very simple way that you will be able to breathe underwater and be able to find what the mermaids took very quickly and easily. What you need to do is…

Moody: Sorry kids, McGonagall wants to see you two in her office

Harry: But professor, I need Hermione's help to work out what to do in the next task

Moody: What about Ron?

Harry: Screw him

Moody: Good point, but they've still gotta come with me

*Hermione and Ron leave*

Harry: OK Harry, you'll be fine, just remember what Hermione said *flashes back*

"Hermione: Don't worry Harry, I have a plan. I've thought of a very simple way that you will be able to breathe underwater and be able to find what the mermaids took very quickly and easily. What you need to do is…"

*End flashback*

Harry: Crap!

Neville: Hi Harry, you're studying late

Harry: The second task is tomorrow and I have no idea how I'm going to stay underwater for one hour!

Neville: Well you could always…

***

*Out in the middle of the lake*

Harry: Neville, this idea of yours to use a really long straw and goggles is genius. I wonder where Ron and Hermione are…

Dumbledore: Alright champions, time to begin the second task

Moody: Harry, put that straw in your mouth

Harry: You don't say

Dumbledore: BEGIN!

*Champions dive in water*

Harry: Sure is dark down here, I wish I hadn't brought this map

*Finds the hostages*

Harry: That was quick! Time to go Ron…..oh, but what about the others

Cedric: Oh, I don't feel so good. I shouldn't have eaten Fleur's egg before going for a swim. Hey Harry, better get going

Harry: Sure thing Cedr- Aargh! SHARK!

*Shark grabs Hermione*

Harry: Oh thank god, I thought I was in danger *grabs Ron* Oh wait, what about the last hostage

Dumbledore: Well Cedric and Viktor have made it back to the surface. Fleur unfortunately has had to pull out after her egg mysteriously disappeared. There's only one person left under the water. But don't worry, Harry's used to weird crap, he'll be just fine

Harry: Oh man, these bodies are heavy. OH NO! A TINY OCTOPUS! AND ANOTHER! AND SEVERAL HUNDRED OTHERS! *Pushes bodies to surface*

Ron: *Gasp* Oh damn, Harry's drowning! Hermione will be so upset; I'd better hug and comfort her

Harry: It's OK Ron, I'm fine

Ron: Oh…..……..good

Dumbledore: The winner is Cedric, looks like I owe you a steak dinner Severus. Because Fleur didn't finish, and Krum accidentally bit Hermione in half when he rescued her, we've decided to give Harry second place. Well, actually, I'm just biased towards Hogwarts, no one else wanted to give Harry second place.

***

*The forbidden forest*

Hagrid: *Talking to imaginary leprechaun friend* I remember when I first met you, Angus. Biggest misfit I'd ever met

Ron: Hey, wanna break out into song?

Hermione: Sure!

Hermione and Ron: _Man, I feel like a woman…_

Harry: *Finds Crouch's dead body* Oh, I love charades!

Crouch: *Lays motionless*

Harry: I know! Is it 'Gone with the Wind'?

***

*Dumbledore's office*

Dumbledore: Fudge, in times like this the world looks at its leaders for guidance

Fudge: What did you say me?

*Knock on door*

Dumbledore: Excellent, our "entertainment" is here. Come in, girls!

Harry: It's me, professor

Dumbledore: Oh. OK well give me a minute; I need to put away the baby oil

Harry: Sure, I'll just busy myself with this glowing bowl

Bowl: *Sucks Harry in*

Harry: Hmm, it appears I've landed in some kind of courtroom. This will take some getting out of

Crouch: Igor Karkaroff, you stand here before the ministry accused of being a witch. What do you have to say for yourself?

Karkaroff: I'm not a witch; I just have a fetish for eating eye of newt

Crouch: Well then who turned my wife into a badger?

Karkaroff: That was….someone else

Crouch: Then they must be a witch. What is their name?

Karkaroff: BARTY CROUCH

Crowd: Burn him! Burn him!

Karkaroff: JUNIOR

Crowd: Oh, forget it then

Harry: *Gets pulled out of court*

Dumbledore: Harry, what are you doing in my cornflakes?

Harry: I dunno, I got sucked into some courtroom

Dumbledore: Yeah, my breakfast always does that to me too for some reason. I should probably look into it…….anyway, I guess you should get going. Unless there's something else you want to tell me *wink wink*

Harry: We've been through this before, professor. I'm not interested

Dumbledore: What? Oh, no you see I got some grapefruit in my eye earlier and I've been winking at everyone all day. Moody thought I was coming onto him…then there was some unpleasantness and we swore we'd never talk about it again.

Harry: I noticed the bottle of baby oil was half empty

Dumbledore: Off you go, Harry!

***

*In front of a large hedge maze*

Dumbledore: Welcome to the third task everyone

Harry: What? But the second task just finished!

Dumbledore: It did, I didn't notice

Harry: Old age is starting to set in

Dumbledore: Old? I'm not old, I'm as young as I ever was *starts rapping*

I'm Master D and I'm gonna tell y'all

_I was totally the hippest guy at the Yule Ball_

_I wear my hat around the wrong way_

_And I spell the word gangster with an A_

_I'm the greatest wizard since Merlin, you know_

_And under this hat is the coolest afro_

_Look up the word cool and see a picture of me_

_I do what I want coz I'm Master D_

_BREAK IT DOWN!_

*Break dances*

Harry: Woah, that's was cool!

Barty Crouch: Hang on, I'm cool too. Listen:

_Roses are Red_

_Violets are Blue_

_My nose smells_

_And your feet do too_

Hahahahahaha!

Dumbledore: Weirdo! Now Harry and Cedric go into the maze first, because I'm biased. Then Viktor Krum, then Fleur. Got it? Good, let's get started

Harry: How is a maze dangerous?

Dumbledore: Because you'll lose yourself

Harry: …

Dumbledore: GO!

*Harry and Cedric enter maze*

Harry: Oh, I see. Carnivorous bushes. Lose yourself. Now it makes sense. It's actually kinda clever now I think about it *runs from bushes*

Fleur: *Screams*

Krum: *Looks freaky*

Harry: *Comes to rescue*

Cedric *Doesn't*

Harry: The cup, there it is!

Cedric: *Punches Harry* Every man for himself! *Gets caught by vines* Help me, Harry!

Harry: Sure, why not?

Cedric: There's the cup

Harry: Let's grab it together

Cedric: Sure, couldn't hurt

*Cup turns into boot and flies to a graveyard*

Cedric: Wow, that was cool

*A dark figure comes forward*

Harry: Don't reveal yourself, Cedric

Cedric: *Jumps out* Who goes there?

Wormtail: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Cedric: Oops, my bad *dies*

Harry: Oh, crap

*Wormtail ties Harry to gravestone*

Wormtail: Bone of the father, flesh of the servant *cuts off arm*. Aargh……..OK, I'm fine now. Blood of the enemy, the Dark Lord shall rise again

Voldemort: *Rises again*

Harry: Ooh, not good

Voldemort: Ah Harry. How long I have waited to get my revenge. And how fitting that it takes place on this day, the anniversary of the day I was born

Harry: You mean your birthday?

Death Eaters: *Jump out* SURPRISE!

Wormtail: *Gives cake to Voldemort* Happy birthday, my lord!

Voldemort: Oh, you guys are the best *cuts cake right to the bottom*

Wormtail: You know what that means

Voldemort: Hahaha *kisses Wormtail on the cheek*

Harry: Are you guys gonna be much longer?

Voldemort: Don't worry Harry, we won't be long

*6 hours later*

Voldemort and Death Eaters: *Playing musical chairs*

Harry: Oh, brother *notices Wormtail's knife next to the tombstone* Hmm, there's an idea *starts cutting through rope*

Voldemort and Death Eaters: *Start playing 'pass-the-parcel'*

Harry: *Still cutting though rope*

*Voldemort and Lucius are dressed as Abbott and Costello*

Voldemort: Say, it looks as though we've put together a baseball team. I was just wondering, who's on first?

Lucius: Yes, that's right

Harry: *Continues cutting though rope*

Voldemort: I'd like to register a complaint about this parrot

Lucius: What's wrong with it?

Voldemort: It's dead

Lucius: No it isn't *shakes cage*. There, it moved

Harry: *Cuts through rope* *Runs*

Death Eaters: STOP HIM! *Chase after Harry*

Voldemort: Hang on, you guys haven't sung Happy Birthday yet

Harry: *Reaches Cedric and boot/cup. Flies to Hogwarts on boot/cup*

***

Harry: *Arrives back at Hogwarts*

Crowd: YAY! WOOHOO!

Dumbledore: Oh no, Cedric's dead. I owe you a steak dinner, Severus

Moody: C'mon Harry, you don't want to be here

Harry: *Sarcastically* Nah, you think?

*Harry and Moody go back to the castle*

Moody: How was the Dark Lord? Was he well? He isn't too pissed off I forgot to tape Gilmore girls is he? Was he wearing the shoes I got him for Christmas? Did he tip Fremantle this week? I wasn't too sure since they're playing away

Harry: Er, yes to all your questions

Moody: Good, now if you'll excuse me, my face needs to mutate

Harry: Do you want me to leave?

Moody: No no, stay where you are. I'll just kill you first

Dumbledore: *Breaks into office and attacks Moody*

Moody: *Turns into Barty Crouch Jr*

Harry: Wow, what a twist

Dumbledore: Where's Moody?

Barty Jr: In the trunk. Haven't you ever seen a mafia film?

Dumbledore: *Opens trunk* Oh dear, Moody's been attacked and left naked in this trunk

Moody: Actually, I chose to get naked myself

Barty Jr: I'll show you mine if you show me yours

Albus: OK then *unzips pants*

Snape: Uh Albus, I think he, means Potter's arm

Dumbledore: Oh……good. Wait here while I put away the baby oil

***

*Students are saying goodbye to one another as the year comes to a close*

Harry: Everyone sure is happy, considering Cedric was murdered and Voldemort's back and going to kill us all

Ron: Yeah, life's funny sometimes

Hermione: Everything's going to change, isn't it?

Harry: Of course it is, what kind of a silly question is that?

Hermione: Sure is cold out here

Ron: Yeah, we'd better huddle up close to stay warm, Hermione

Harry: Don't worry Ron, Hermione can borrow my jacket

Ron: Oh…………good

THE END


End file.
